When I told my roommate this she asked me “how so?” as most people ask when you tell them you’ve had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Clearly, we’re not the least bit dramatic around these parts. But when I really thought about it, I couldn’t put my finger on it. So, being the rational person I am I blamed it on the weather, because today it felt as though the wind was blowing in the wrong direction.
Nothing concrete went wrong.
I did not trip and fall down a flight of stairs to break my foot. Nor did I forget my entire speech while presenting and told the whole class about my one true Kindergarten love. Both of these things have, of course, happened to me, but neither caused my mood today.
At about 7 tonight I lay down in bed, thinking of how off I had been all day and vowing to take a quick nap. Upon waking, something tugged at the back of my mind as if to say, I know why you’re funked.
Today, September 17th, 2015 makes 6 full months I have been living in Nashville, Tennessee.
And I have no idea how to feel about it all.
The best way I can describe it is to relate it to a profound piece of television work, Gilmore Girls. In this instance, I am Luke Danes and 17th of every month is my ‘dark day.’ Of course, you will not find me off fishing in solitude and I am lucky in that no one had to die to bring about my dark day. Instead, something inside of me goes all out of whack and everything just feels off without reason.
The best way to start is to take you back 6 months with me.
6 months ago I woke up far too early and shuffled my 4 suitcases down to my grandparent’s mini-van.
6 months ago I sobbed into my mother’s arms and told her how terrified I was of it all.
6 months ago my Nonnie made me promise I would come back.
6 months ago I embarked on the biggest faith journey of my life.
6 months ago I wrote this:
“If you ask me right this second, the night before I leave for my new life in my new city I would tell you 100% that I will be back home after my 6 months are up. Yet, a part of me knows that in 6 months I may feel completely opposite. Someone check back in then and we will see what happens.”
So, how do I feel now?
I feel proud and terrified.
I feel empowered and so lost.
I feel as though I am one strong person but I also feel so utterly alone.
Six months ago, I was lost.
I chose to come to Nashville in an attempt to run away from a world that I felt was crumbling around me in Washington. All I wanted was a soft place to land. In my crazy mind that place was half way across the country with no one familiar to me in sight.
Since then, I have tearfully moved out of my first apartment and into a place that I am still not sure I deserve. I have finally started at the school I have been accepted into three times and watch a handful of children on a regular basis.
Nothing about this has been simple though.
Above all else, for me, it has been a huge journey of faith.
Every single time I sat down to carefully plan things out, there was God, knocking on a different door leading in a direction He intended me to go.
Take the move itself as an example.
I had been tossing around the idea of moving for months before it all happened. In my mind, I would have a few months to move, find an apartment and settle in. I began the search and created endless lists regarding packing and shipping things when God knocked. He had found me the best place to live. Close to school, safe and with a landlord who He called to watch over me in my time of transition. The only catch? I had two weeks. From the time I closed my eyes and followed His lead with a “yes” I was to be packed, moved, and in an airplane within two weeks.
And so I followed.
He continued to provide for me upon my arrival in Nashville. Finding me several good jobs and a place to call my own through volunteering. However, I continued to wrestle with the logistics of school. I had my eye set on a certain school and even though I had been accepted twice before the whole thing never fit into my carefully laid plans. It was only when some logistical paperwork type things went wrong, and I vowed to finally enter school in the Spring of 2016 that God laughed and made me different plans. I was, once again, accepted and was to start in the Fall of 2015.
Once again, I went against my stubborn nature and followed.
I should let you know, that if you’re reading this thinking “she’s got it all together, good for her.” You’re so wrong.
I am still terrified.
Every night my prayers center around taking away my worry and anxiety.
I question my decision on the regular and I miss my family something awful.
Tears are as normal for me as getting dressed in the morning.
Nightmares are awful and are never made better by just a phone call.
But I know God has called me here.
Why? Only He knows for now.
But, in time, I know I will too know and my greater purpose will be revealed.
I do know that I am in His hands and He will lead me to where I need to go when I plan for something else.
Even on this dark and twisty day I have faith.
Happy six months Nashville.
Thank you for being my greatest adventure yet.